Journey In Journals

"You love me too much."      Honestly, I never knew that love could be "too much". I always thought that it should not be limited. Meaning to say, "giving your all" to the person but I was told that the love that I have displayed and known was too much. My love was suffocating and selfish. My idea of loving someone is about sacrificing time, waiting for the person, spending time with the person, and thinking of the person but I was wronged. Why? Because all these things were done out of fear. The fear of losing the person, and the fear of the relationship going downhill. As a result, the relationship became toxic.      When I first heard those words, I was unable to comprehend the meaning behind it but as time passed, I came to realize that I was not being selfless but selfish. I did not give time and space my partner needed to do the things he wanted neither did I recognize his efforts in the relationship because his love was not on par with min. That...

Love is my biggest challenge.       When I was young, I did not understand what love is. My parents were not the perfect examples of what love truly is. I was caned, scolded and they fought because of me, and I thought I was not loved because the treatment was different from my brother. I grew up not knowing how to express my feelings, emotions or even intentions clearly. Often, people mistook me for being a bad person, rude or unfriendly. As I grew up, I became more and more possessive, more and more controlling, always manipulating my relationship with people through lies and through feigning my innocence. I was never honest nor truthful towards anyone. I buried my innocence, my true self because I was afraid. Afraid of being outcast, afraid of being abandoned, and afraid of being shunned away. As a result, multiple layers of secrets were built, walls were built and my true self was locked away and forgotten.        During that tim...