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Navigating Myself

Responsibilities & Expectations     Just up to recently, like a few weeks ago, I officially left my job. I was working as a Management Trainee and part of my job responsibilities was to assist the existing Assistant Manager with his or her responsibilities while filing the basic responsibilities of running the outlet. I was coping and handling the job greatly until I started to overwork myself where I was clocking to work early to cover my colleagues' shift while continue to retain my work quality. My sleep hours were getting shorter and shorter as the days went by. As a result, I felt like I was losing control of my thoughts and actions and all I wanted at that point was to rest and have fun.      I know I can work and bring quality to my works but why can't I handle the expectations and stress that comes along with it? In the beginning, I thought it was due to my diagnosis of my mental health. However, I had a second thought as I read a post of not letting...
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The Beginning of a New Journey

 "You have  BPD."      In the Year 2022, I graduated from Singapore Polytechnics and began working. However, things were not going so smoothly. I kept changing my jobs due to my frequent meltdowns and stress, and this kept happening. A year later, I thought of seeing a professional to seek advice on my frequent meltdowns. However, I got scared of being judged, feeling down and hopeless thus, I back away and continued looking for a job.       Now, here I am in 2024, and just became unemployed (again) but things are different now, with a more determined mind to change and a stronger support from my boyfriend, I decided to commit to my idea of seeking a professional for advice. And that happened to be my 2024 New Year gift where I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder by a psychiatrist.       I had a slight feeling that there was something different about me, but I did not expect it to be a personality disorder...
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Taking Out the Trash

Vent      When you see that word, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Or what is the first thing you remember? When I see that word, it reminds me of the days that I threw a fit at my parents when they did not buy me the toys or deserts I wanted.  It also reminds me of the days that I shouted at my boyfriend just because we lost a game match.      "Vent" is a way of expressing negative emotions onto an object, material, or even a person.  Everyone vents but does everyone do it appropriately? So, you may ask me, "What's your definition of appropriate?" My definition is,' without causing a negative impact'.  Venting does not necessarily cause a negative impact if you know how to vent correctly. And what that means is that when you are "trashing" out your emotions on people, what happens is that the very same people that are receiving that "trash" may start to get affected. They may start to feel angry, sad, hurt, or even u...
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A Love That Was Too Much

"You love me too much."      Honestly, I never knew that love could be "too much". I always thought that it should not be limited. Meaning to say, "giving your all" to the person but I was told that the love that I have displayed and known was too much. My love was suffocating and selfish. My idea of loving someone is about sacrificing time, waiting for the person, spending time with the person, and thinking of the person but I was wronged. Why? Because all these things were done out of fear. The fear of losing the person, and the fear of the relationship going downhill. As a result, the relationship became toxic.      When I first heard those words, I was unable to comprehend the meaning behind it but as time passed, I came to realize that I was not being selfless but selfish. I did not give time and space my partner needed to do the things he wanted neither did I recognize his efforts in the relationship because his love was not on par with min. That...
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Loving Without Asking

Love is my biggest challenge.       When I was young, I did not understand what love is. My parents were not the perfect examples of what love truly is. I was caned, scolded and they fought because of me, and I thought I was not loved because the treatment was different from my brother. I grew up not knowing how to express my feelings, emotions or even intentions clearly. Often, people mistook me for being a bad person, rude or unfriendly. As I grew up, I became more and more possessive, more and more controlling, always manipulating my relationship with people through lies and through feigning my innocence. I was never honest nor truthful towards anyone. I buried my innocence, my true self because I was afraid. Afraid of being outcast, afraid of being abandoned, and afraid of being shunned away. As a result, multiple layers of secrets were built, walls were built and my true self was locked away and forgotten.        During that tim...
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The Fear In Waiting

" I need space."       When I first heard those three words, it felt as though my whole world came crashing down. I never thought that a day would come when my boyfriend would ask me to give him the time and the space to think about the relationship's arguments. I panicked. I called him, texted him, and even tried video calling him but to no avail. He did not respond in any social media platform either. My brain was in a total mess.       I cried, sobbed and wept, hoping that he would come to my house to find me but he did not. At that moment, I was engaged in a battle. Who knew waiting would be this difficult for me? The number of negative thoughts going through my head, the amount of anxiousness I felt, and the feeling of losing my insanity - all in one package, I have experienced it.       I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid that if I wait for him to respond, he would wander off and disappear. My mind was cons...
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A Girl In The Corner

My Past, My Comfort      Once, there was a girl. She was always in a corner. The corner of her room, of her parent's room, of the kitchen, of the MRT, of the toilet, and of the classroom. Why is she always in a corner? Does she love the corner of every room? Corners to her were her home. It was a place where she could cry, hide, and feel safe. Why safe? Because there was two walls and ground to build a stable fortress to shield her from her nightmares.  She always dreamed about getting attacked by people, used by people, and ultimately, abandoned by people. She was scared and built that fortress. The fortress then became a space where she felt warm and comforted. She felt very safe to the point that she began to create her own world - a world where justice prevails, evil falls, and true love always wins. Soon, that world she created became her reality.     As time went on, she turned thirteen and met some new friends. However, she realized she could ne...
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