Loving Without Asking


Love is my biggest challenge. 


    When I was young, I did not understand what love is. My parents were not the perfect examples of what love truly is. I was caned, scolded and they fought because of me, and I thought I was not loved because the treatment was different from my brother. I grew up not knowing how to express my feelings, emotions or even intentions clearly. Often, people mistook me for being a bad person, rude or unfriendly. As I grew up, I became more and more possessive, more and more controlling, always manipulating my relationship with people through lies and through feigning my innocence. I was never honest nor truthful towards anyone. I buried my innocence, my true self because I was afraid. Afraid of being outcast, afraid of being abandoned, and afraid of being shunned away. As a result, multiple layers of secrets were built, walls were built and my true self was locked away and forgotten.  

    During that time, I came to know God. I realized that I am loved by Him and, I was in love with Him too. The peace, the clarity, and the security that He had given me brought me strength and joy. However, it was difficult for me to love Him back. Why? Because I could never be true to Him. To love without asking, to love without expecting, and to love without doubting were all too difficult for me. Hence, I stopped myself from getting into a deeper relationship with God. Now, I am in love with a man whose heart is innocent, and I realized how toxic my definition of love is. How restricting, how suffocating and how much pain it has caused but it was challenging for me to let go because those ways of "loving" were my ways of feeling safe but now, things have changed. 

    Love is no longer about controlling a person's life or playing tug-of-war with that person, it is about believing and trusting - knowing that person will never abandon you even when there is an argument. It is about giving freedom to the person, to let him/her do what they want, and it is also about adjusting time together. Honestly, what is love? It is about loving without asking, meaning, to love without conditions. It is about being patient, full of trust, and full of faith, and that was what God has been desiring from me, my true self. The self where I was once innocent, always giving without expecting returns, always caring without expectations, being honest and truthful, and most of all, believing that the person will stay in my life. That is love. 

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