Navigating Myself

Responsibilities & Expectations

    Just up to recently, like a few weeks ago, I officially left my job. I was working as a Management Trainee and part of my job responsibilities was to assist the existing Assistant Manager with his or her responsibilities while filing the basic responsibilities of running the outlet. I was coping and handling the job greatly until I started to overwork myself where I was clocking to work early to cover my colleagues' shift while continue to retain my work quality. My sleep hours were getting shorter and shorter as the days went by. As a result, I felt like I was losing control of my thoughts and actions and all I wanted at that point was to rest and have fun. 

    I know I can work and bring quality to my works but why can't I handle the expectations and stress that comes along with it? In the beginning, I thought it was due to my diagnosis of my mental health. However, I had a second thought as I read a post of not letting my diagnosis depict my self-worth. At the end of the day, my ex-bosses liked my work and the quality I bring which ultimately proves that I can work and bring quality. Which led me to this question, what about expectations and stress that I could not handle? 

    Thinking about it, it brings me back to the days where I keep hearing the expectations of me from the people around me. Some expectations were reasonable, and others were just insane. However, because of my own desires to be complimented, I ended up being a person just trying to please all their expectations. Thus, my ability to excel in everything. However, as I pursue excellence, I had a hidden unconscious feeling of jealousy - jealous of people who are able to play, have fun and do whatever they want. Whereas I am always counting the things I could give-and-take. For example, if I could give up some time to play because this module was something I am well-verse in. Thus, even if I were to play, I just need to recap a little bit in order to excel. I did not have a moment where I could enjoy without calculating my losses and my gains. 

Knowing this, and coming back to the present, the stress and expectations that were resting on my shoulders outweighed the fun that I was supposed to have but ended up deprived because I was using it most of the time to catch up on my sleep. The time given to me to play and be whoever I want to be for a day would definitely rejuvenate me in some ways or another. 

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